Clinton camp to close gender pay gap
(AP) ROBERT AX 1.19.16
Clinton campaign strikes a deal with Wall street and Mexican government to close the gender pay gap.
Washington DC headquarters-
After a series of high level negotiations over the past week, the Clinton campaign has released a plan to close the gender wage gap with support from representatives from most of the Fortune 500 and the Chamber of Commerce and the governments of Mexico and China.
A thorough analysis will be done of the full scale of the gender wage gap, at which time actuaries from Princeton University will determine the net present value in future terms of the wages over a time horizon of 20 working years (median time to retirement) then plotted along the Phillip's curve and discounted against fluctuations in the flux capacitor to account for quantum indeterminacy in the global derivatives market and Progress.
Finally, outreach will be done to estimate what portion of the gender wage gap is the consequence of productivity fallout from gossip, female hysteria, having babies and taking leave every two years, low math skills, sexual harassment lawsuit risk, break room flirting productivity loss, and other breakage.
Once all the math is done and run through supercomputer algorithms at Goldman Sachs, the official wage gap will be declared before a UN council ordained to right all the injustice of the world except for animals and the mentally handicapped because they don't know they're fucked.
Adjusted for affirmative action reparations based on political correctness points, the final total will be tabulated and printed on gold tablets and buried in Missouri then dug up by unemployed workers and missionaries of Joseph Smith and the pedophile economist John Maynard Keynes.
Finally, once the official wage gap is calculated, that percentage will be deducted from all working males directly, in order to close the gap, or through and at the same to increase productivity per worker by that precise amount, and deposited with Goldman Sachs and/or the Federal Reserve, and/or Saudi Arabia, and/or the DNC/GOP, and/or subsidiaries of said Bush and Clinton family, redundancy, et al, repetition. Fuck.